I want you to devour me, just swallow me whole.
Take me inside of you, and don't let go.
I feel your eyes feast upon me,
I do not fear, I do not waiver, just long.

Sparks fly when skin touches skin.
Just enter me, I am willing to let you in.
Do not stop, please don't second guess,
You have to realize-this I stress-I rarely
Ever open.

All is right when I hear that beating
That constant rhythm like the drum.
Your heart is my lullaby, your body my blanket.
Wrap me up, and let me rest.

Sitting here in Starbucks I try to balance the weights going in my mind. This week has been a hurricane of emotions, ups and downs, and if anything has taken me on the wildest ride since I first had my surgery. I now find myself on the tail end of the storm and looking back, that damage was great, but there were no casualties. Work has been one of my biggest issues thus far, and I have to admit dealing with it has been great. If anything, I continue to prove to myself that I am capable of a lot more than I ever thought. Then there is the weight issue... I am learning to live with food again, taking these baby steps, and if anything it is like playing the "floor is lava" game when I was five. Jumping on one leg, being so cautious, and always feeling like I am going to have to start over if I touch the lava. Today I think I started to understand what I have to do to maintain my sanity, even if means to suck up my self awareness and learning to maintain my weight. The lava isn't lava, and the food is just food. Calories. Numbers that I can change and add and subtract, but it is about what is going on up in my head that matters most. It is about learning how to manage it all. I think the biggest hurdle of the week though was last night....
  Have you ever had that feeling of having the wind knocked out of you? Well yeah, most people have, but honest to God having the wind sucked from you and then being kicked again is what last night was like. I saw my ex. My ex of nearly two years who broke up with me and has not seen me since losing my one hundred and thirty pounds. The ex that knows my secrets. The awkward stage was of course there and I melted down. So what did I do? I played the lava game with my body and started that awful coping mechanism that seems to be default for the person who died so long ago. After power walking/grumbling/complaining/kinda running, I cooled down and just realized that life is sort of funny that way. I was walking down this long, windy road and didn't know where I was going but I knew where my home was. That was my comforting thought while looking at the darkness around me, I knew the general direction of where I was going, and I knew I had to keep going because there was no other choice for me.
  In the end that is what life is, is it not? This dark path of unsure choices, curve roads, and things we don't even expect. We constantly play the hot lava game with ourselves, testing our boundaries and never knowing exactly how far we will go. It is the managing of those weights in the head though, balancing the scale of sanity within constantly that keeps it interesting. If you always know what is coming around the corner, why keep going? What is the point if you already have the answers to the questions that make life so interesting to begin with? No matter how much I think I have found my footing, and found the firm ground to stand upon, I always seem to lose my footing, slipping in the ever present lava. It's like second grade though, I can just re-start at the beginning, hopping on my one leg, finding my balance, and getting farther the next time. I think life is sort of fun that way.

I'm sick and tired of being number two.
I want to be the one you run to, your pick.
Instead I am left on the shelf, alone to sit.
I realize though, it is a matter of time...
You are going to miss me because I am gone.
Done with taking the back seat,
My confidence is higher than it ever was,
No thanks to you and your snide remarks.
I think I would rather sit alone.

You made me question everything I ever knew,
I even re-dyed my hair just for you.
I wanted so badly to be your man,
Guess I wasn't good enough, I got the can.
But that's okay, I realize now I got out in time....
You turned your other exes gay.

I used to wish I was better, for you and your taste.
Now I see that I was a fool for wishing.
Your eyes are bigger than your appetite and you will see,
You ain't gonna find another like me.
So go ahead and move along,
Your time on this boy's ride is gone.

I used to find your quirks endearing, kinda nice.
Then I realized I like a girl with feist.
It must suck to be drowning with people so unlike you,
We two used to be the same.
Now I just figured out you were so so lame.

Taking long rides, so long with no talking.
Endless hours of no opinion and tears.
Always feeling alone with your pity and fears.
I was there and was the one you called.
Now I step aside.... Go ahead, please, take your fall.